I'm Sorry, My
by Tikatikox
Summary: Sherlock remembers Eurus and Victor, but why he doesn't remember anything about Mycroft from his childhood? Is it true that his relationship with his big brother always difficult from the start?- Holmes brother's fluff!


**This is my first fic and English is not my native language so I'm sorry if there are some grammatical mistakes. I hope you like it!**

This afternoon is the peaceful one for 221B. No clients coming, Mrs Hudson's baking cookies for her favourite little family upstairs, John's changing Rosie's diaper and Sherlock's dissecting an eyeball.

While mixing up any kind of chemicals, Sherlock remembered something about Mycroft. The first time Sherlock dissecting an eyeball were a fish eye. He remembered that day he was whining to Mycroft because he wants an eyeball. That afternoon Mycroft came home bringing some fish head. He gave it to Sherlock while grumbling about how his shirt stinks, but Sherlock doesn't care about that because he was too excited. Sherlock remembered he never say thanks to Mycroft.

"John?"

"Hmm?"

John standing in kitchen's door while holding Rosie, try to make a safe distance from chemicals reaction.

"Do you love Harry?"

John quite surprised his sister's name will be one of the topics for today.

"Of course. Although now we're not close anymore, Jesus I don't even know what she's doing every day, but we were growing up together like every sibling does. We used to fight, but on the other hand, we used to play together. I've lived my life side by side with her, Sherlock. It's a lie if I say I don't love her." John just realised how he actually misses his sister. He makes a mental note that he will ring her tonight.

"What is it, Sherlock? Is it something about Eurus?"

"Hmm. No. It's Mycroft. I wonder why I never feel close to him. I think my relationship with him are cold from the start. I have remembered about Eurus and Victor. But I don't remember anything about Mycroft before Victor's death."

"Don't rush it, Sherlock, you need to gain your memories bit by bit. And maybe there's nothing happened between you two so that's why your memories about him not reacting."

* * *

That night Sherlock feel uneasy. His mind running around Mycroft. Is it really nothing had happened between him and his big brother? Sherlock admittedly that he see Mycroft as an annoying big brother, and he can't describe his feeling towards Mycroft like John describe how he feel about Harry.

 _I've lived my life side by side with her, Sherlock. It's a lie if I say I don't love her._

Could Sherlock say the same about Mycroft? Isn't that the reason why Sherlock could point a gun to his big brother even if only for a moment? Because he feels more connected to John than his own brother?

A pang of guilt grows inside his chest.

MYCROFT?

–SH

Sherlock texts his brother unconsciously. He wants to forget it but after one, two, three minutes he doesn't reply, Sherlock start to feel anxious. Mycroft always replies his text. And then he feels silly because over worrying. Mycroft is the government, isn't he? He must be busy in a dull meeting with other politicians. To distract her anxiety, he goes to his Mind Palace, searching his memories for his big brother.

* * *

He arrived in front of a huge door. The special door for Mycroft's room. A black elegant and magnificent door that smell like a cake inside it. Sherlock smiled because that's how he see his big brother. Cold blooded, pretentious, the Ice Men, but actually, he's so soft and sweet inside, like a cake. No one knows Mycroft little secret about his love for cake except Holmes family. Sherlock know until today, Mycroft still eat cakes excitedly like a kid. Because it is one of a thing that Mycroft truthfully shared to Sherlock about himself.

Sherlock opens the door and comes inside. The room is dusty with dimly lit. Sherlock nearly never go inside, because Mycroft is someone who constantly stays in his life and he thinks he doesn't need to search him in his mind palace.

There's a lot of words "Caring is not an advantage" and something more about how bad sentiment is. The words covered all the walls like a police line. It's like Mycroft trying so hard to put it there. Sherlock gets around the room, trying to avoid the dark corner where his memories about his drug addict lie around. He really hates that memory. It makes him feel vulnerable in front of Mycroft. And then he smells a very strong sweet cake from under the floor. He finds a secret door to the basement. He never saw this door before. He opened the door with much effort.

Once it is open, he smells a sweet cake, and his chest getting warm.

He sees young Mycroft standing, folding his arm with his face expressing between angry and worry. Oh. That's when Sherlock and Victor get lost in the wood near their house.

And then he sees Mycroft protecting him from a crying tantrum- Eurus. Mycroft that calming him after a big fight with Eurus. Mycroft that sleep beside him after a nightmare. He sees Mycroft protecting him from . Mycroft that playing the cello together with him playing his violin.

The young Mycroft look so tender and caring towards Sherlock. Mycroft indeed a fat kid, but Sherlock actually like that. Sherlock loved to embrace the big fluffy Mycroft. And Mycroft loved to stroke Sherlock's curl. Oh my God that was the best feeling ever. And only Mycroft who capable to give him that kind of comfort feeling.

Sherlock doesn't believe what he sees, but his chest feels so warm. He missed a tender and fluffy surely spends his time a lot with Victor, but Mycroft always around him, always alert if something happened.

 _I've lived my life side by side with her, Sherlock. It's a lie if I say I don't love her._

Indeed, he lives his life side by side with Mycroft too.

And then Sherlock see young Mycroft and young himself sit down in front of the fireplace. Mycroft stroke Sherlock's head slowly.

"Sherlock, listen"

"What is it My?"

"Do you remember Redbeard?"

"My! I don't like it if you bring something about that dog up! It's make me sad"

Sherlock realised that young Mycroft trying to confirm his little brother memories about Victor.

"Well then, you need to learn to forget about me too. I might follow Uncle Rudy to work someday in the future. And his work is quite dangerous. Maybe I can't always be there for you Sherlock. And your great weakness is you are too emotional. I don't know what will happen if you start crying or angry but I'm not around. It could be dangerous for yourself. You need to repress your emotion, Sherlock."

"But I don't want to forget you, My!"

"Sherlock listens, caring is not..."

Unconsciously his eyes were damp. He doesn't want to hear that anymore. The lecture about the emotional context that Mycroft always and always say to him until he felt sick of it. Until one day Mycroft keeps a distance from him. Mycroft doesn't embrace him anymore. Mycroft no longer stroke his curls.

Mycroft is still in his life, still helping him but not with affection anymore. Sherlock starts to forgetting about how he and his brother used to, but his feeling cannot be deceived. He felt a great loss. That's why he always feel hatred toward Mycroft without any reason. Because he thinks Mycroft left him, forget about him. And then the rest of his childhood full of sharp banter between him and Mycroft. Sherlock realised that though he forgets about Mycroft, Mycroft never forgets anything about him or Eurus.

Immediately, a great guilty feeling overwhelms him.

* * *

Sherlock opens his eyes and aware he is back at 221B, around 8 AM. In front of him, there's John in his chair with Rosie.

"are you alright?"

Sherlock can't answer because there's a lump in his throat. He checks his phone and still no reply from Mycroft. Without hesitate he presses dial. Not for long a very familiar voice greet his ear.

"Sherlock, are you alright? I'm sorry I can't reply your text last night, I just finish some meetings, is there something wrong?"

The concern in Mycroft's voice really pushes tears in Sherlock's eyes.

"My..." His voice cracks and he does not dare to talk anymore because he knows he will lose control.

"I'll be there shortly, Sherlock. Wait for me."

One hour later, there's a sound of heavy steps, rushing to the stairs.

Mycroft appears in the living room and he finds Sherlock in his chair, solemnly staring at the floor. He looks at John, typing on his laptop on the desk, asking a silent question.

"I don't know" John mouthing the words, not really sure what is happening with his flatmate.

"My... Mycroft!" Sherlock gets up from his chair suddenly and comes over Mycroft. Sherlock standing in front of his brother, but he still staring down, he can't look into Mycroft's eyes.

"Yes? Is everything alright, Sherlock?" Mycroft starting to get suspicious. His little brother must be up to something.

"I'm sorry My..."

"What have you done this time, brother dear?" Mycroft holds his breath, ready to hear and prepare any solution to clean up whatever his brother has messed up with. But the words that come out next from his baby brother's mouth is not something he expected.

"I'm sorry...For... For everything... For everything that I have said to you. The..The drugs... Money... the gun..." Finally, Sherlock gives up. He's crying so hard. He's back to himself, a 9-year-old Sherlock in front of the fireplace, getting his curly hair stroked by his fluffy big brother.

"I'm sorry My... I'm so sorry..." Sherlock's sobbing, his shoulder shook.

Mycroft really didn't expect this. He's so shocked and he doesn't know how to handle an emotional Sherlock right now.

"Sherlock? Are you on drugs?" Mycroft looks at John again, he just shook his head. John's so surprised by his flatmate behaviour and really have no idea. He never sees Sherlock become so vulnerable in front of Mycroft.

"I remember... I remember everything. I remember us. I'm sorry My... forgive me.."

Mycroft tries to regain his composure. He still trying to think, is this appropriate time to pull off his mask? Is he really capable to become a tender big brother for Sherlock once again?

"Sherlock, it's okay. I'm not angry. Because I understand. I'm the one who needs to apologise for make you like this, Sherlock."

Sherlock still sobbing slightly. He feel a pain in his chest because he sees his brother always took the blame for everything.

"My... Can I.. Can I hug you?"

"Oh Sherlock.." Mycroft didn't waste time. He left everything about the disadvantage of caring and sentimentality, he pulls off his Ice Men mask. He embraces his little brother, , slowly and awkward. But he doesn't care because it is the best thing that ever happened in his life after everything that he had been through.

"I miss you My" Sherlock's voice muffle in his shoulder. " You used to be so fluffy"

"Oh shut up, sherlock!"


End file.
